From the cutting room floor

From the cutting room floor of The Onion:

MacArthur Foundation Funds Search for Real Slim Shady

The MacArthur Foundation announced Wednesday that they are funding a $1.8 million worldwide search for the real Slim Shady. Mr. Shady, last seen near his Lincoln, Nebraska home while grocery shopping, has been missing for almost 14 months. Until today, the search was confined to the efforts of Detroit-area rapper Eminem (née Marshall Mathers). “Mr. Mathers has made a tremendous effort on Mr. Shady’s behalf,” says Ronald Finch, a spokesman for the MacArthur Foundation, “but we felt it was time to expand the effort.” Finch continued, “Mr. Shady is just not responding to Mr. Mathers’ pleas to ‘please stand up’. Clearly a stronger effort is needed. The MacArthur Foundation is glad to bring its considerable resources to bear in order to locate Mr. Shady.”